Conflict Resolution: Traveling Salesman Style

Let me paint this picture for you:
Imagine, for a moment, that you are in a serene forest with your pals -- Donald Duck and George Jetson -- enjoying a rainy day in the woods.  The three of you are frying up the last of the bacon that you have brought for the trip -- after all, the theme of the trip is bacon!  Over the ways a little, a mama bear is desperately searching for some grub to provide for her young cubs; they haven't eaten in three days!  Unbeknownst to you (and all of the bears), a clan of wild larks has been scouring through the forests, eating everything that a bear would eat.  For the last 10 years there has been a political uprising between the bears and the larks.  The bears have not been getting along with the selfish and oppressive nature of the larks; but that is another story altogether.  The bear's keen bacon senses begin to tingle and she makes her way to your camp.  You are soon confronted by the bear and have to make a quick decision.  Do you:

• Promptly eat the bacon so that the bear will not be able to take it
• Throw your friend under the buss (in this case, Donald is the friend and the bear is the bus)
• Run away from your problem

Let's look at another example:
Let's say, hypothetically, you owe some bad people a healthy chunk of money.  Short story long, you took a trip to Russia with your fourth grade class.  Once the plane landed, the entire class took a cab to some famous Russian landmark.  While the class was admiring the architecture and history of the building, you got sidetracked because you saw some weird looking bird and started chasing it.  You lost track of time and location and ended up in some dark alley, all alone -- or so you hoped.   "Hey, kid," calls a voice from the dark.
"Please don't hurt me; I have a wife and children," you respond.
"We don't want to hurt you.  We only want to see if you're interested in purchasing some dirt-cheap car insurance."
You're car insurance premiums have been kind of absurd lately -- you consider listening to what the traveling salesmen has to say.  "Go on," you decide.  Three figures emerged from the shadows cast by a nearby dumpster.
The short and stocky one continues, "We've got an offer you can't refuse; rather, we would highly advise against refusing."  The tag at the end of their last statement gives you an uneasy feeling.  "What would you say if we offered you liability for 607..." *ba-da-ding*... your phone interrupts -- someone just tagged a photo of you on Facebook.  You apologize and ask him to continue.  The same man clears his throat and slides his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose.  He shoots you a quick glance -- obviously perturbed that he had been interrupted.  "607 per month," he finishes.
607 sounds like a great deal to you -- $1 US Dollars ≈ 28.56 Russian Rubles.  607 Rubles would be $21.25 per month -- a steal of a deal!  You sign on the dotted line, the three traveling salesmen take you back to the famous Russian landmark and you are reunited with your fourth grade class.  Later the next month, after you have returned to the states, you notice your credit card statement has a credit of $607 on it!  Those good-for-nothing, dastardly scalawags cheated you!  How do you go about resolving this conflict?
Do you:

• Go back to Russia with your friend Liam Neeson (the guy from the movie Taken).
• Cancel your credit card (repercussions from the Russian traveling salesmen would be sure to follow)
• Sue your fourth grade teacher

Hopefully you can take some of these tips and start solving your conflicts today!

AHHHHeeeeeAAHHHHeeeeeAHHHHHHH !!!

Let me tell you a story -- one of my favorite memories (no pun intended).  I remember it like it was yesterday -- the story of my birth.  It was a hot, mid-summer's day when I decided I wanted out of my mother.  I went through the routine that would inform my mom of my decision (I'll spare you the details), and was preparing to make my escape.  I began to climb out of there, eager for the chance to eat some bacon for the first time!  I was so happy to be a young, independent baby, and my parents were elated that I liked bacon as much as they did.  To celebrate, we chartered a small boat to take us on a voyage around the western coast of Africa.  It would be our first family vacation!

Over the course of the next few minutes, we packed our bags, said goodbye to our friends, and boarded the boat.  We all were so exited to begin our voyage -- both to Africa, and as a new family -- but little did we know, the same voyage that was welcoming a new addition to our family would ironically end up killing 2/3 of us.

The boat was sailing close to the coast when it spontaneously combusted!  Our family was forced to jump ship and swim for shore.  Being the resourceful kind of baby I was -- and still am, thank you -- I fashioned a makeshift hut for us out of some of the wreckage of the boat.  We thought, "Could this vacation get any worse?"  Then a leopard came and killed my parents.

Here I am, no way to get back home, no one to go back home to, and not even old enough to be able to comprehend the situation I have been thrown into -- total mood killer.  And now there is a rogue leopardess trying to catch me and eat me -- what a day ruin-er.  I was in the middle of saying my last goodbyes, "Well, it's been a good couple of hours..." when a mama gorilla swooped in to save me!  I didn't know who this strange lady was, and I didn't appreciate the smell of her fur, but she was better than that assassin leopard!  I thanked her for the rescue (though I totally could have kicked the leopard's butt) and asked her to point me in the direction of 'GTFO of here ville.'  She introduced herself to me as Kayla and proceeded to tell me that I would live with her and her family until and American woman named Jane came to the jungle and took me back to England with her.  I accepted this because later in the story Jane would fall for me.  Even though our relationship would, without a shadow of a doubt, end in a divorce due to our vastly different upbringings -- monkeys brought me up, and English people raised her -- I accepted it because it seemed all right to me.

I spent the next 25 years or so running around the jungle and playing pranks on the animals of the forest.  The jungle creatures gave me the name Tarzan, which means "Quick as a cat, fast as a rock."  I bore the name with pride.  25 years after the "incident," (as it came to be known) Jane finally showed up!  She was a moron though; let me tell ya.  She had no skills.  She didn't know how to swing on vines, climb trees, or give a giraffe a wet willy.  I showed her how to do all those things and we lived happily ever after.

The End

(Hopefully the title makes a little more sense now)

Desperate Times Call For Mullets

It's like they say: "The workplace is no place for a child." Well, the same is true for mullets -- unless it's bring your mullet to work day -- then it is okay for mullets to be in the workplace.  The workplace has a general policy of "Don't you be bringing that stank up in here" that we should all adhere to.  In this context "stank" could be defined as: the stank eye, the stanky leg, or a mullet.

Though they are frowned on in the workplace, there are numerous other venues where mullets are accepted.  If you're looking for a good mullet, just head down to the nearest flea market.  You're sure to see a mullet or two there!  If your mullet appetite has not been satisfied, take a trip to a tractor pull, or the county fair.  If you still haven't seen a mullet, check out any southern rock concert.

In fact, hundreds of years ago, back before genres of music even existed, a southern rock concert used to be called a 'mullets galore concert.'  Every Friday night, the townspeople would walk to the amphitheater to attend the mullets galore concert, where they listened and danced to "Sweet Home Alabama."  Old friends would reconnect and share the latest news about their mullets.  Much like a good wisdom teeth story, mullets were used to bring people together.  Times were good back then; the people knew how to look good under a piece of hair.

I think I speak for everyone when I say we are left in despair now that the mullet is no longer accepted in our common culture.  A few brave individuals have tried to bring the mullet and its ways back to the public, but they were more or less tortured for it.  I, however, deeply respect these individuals.  They stood up for what they believed in -- mullet power -- and achieved their goals.  Among the individuals whom command my respect, are:

• Neil Armstrong
• Paul Bunyan
• Paul Bunyan's Ox, Babe (he also had a mullet)
• Jason Statham (star in the transporter trilogy)

What do these American heroes have in common?  You guessed it -- the mullet.  So here's a challenge: do you want to be a hero so that you will be respected by your peers and the ladies?  If so, I think you know what to do.

Other good places to see a mullet:

American Hero

• Nascar Race
• WWE Events
• Monster Truck Rally
• Styx Concert
• Demolition Derby
• Kmart
• On a Harley Davidson
• DMV
• State Fair

Why Won't People Just do What I Say?

All I was trying to do was help out a brother in need.  Ya know?  I told this clown standing next to me on the street, "Hey, man, why don't you tie your shoe?  There's a very good chance of somebody stepping on your shoe lace and making you trip."

That guy looked at me and said, "I'm not wearing any shoes, idiot," and then walked off.  Just to teach him a lesson, I stepped on his untied shoelace anyway.  He stumbled to the ground -- emitting that awkward clown laugh the whole way down.  The next thing I knew he was all up in my personal bubble, yelling at me and telling me what a pompous jerk I was.  Actually, he called me a 'porpoise' jerk.  I corrected him, telling him that a porpoise is actually a dolphin, and what he meant to say was 'pompous.'  I then tried to explain to him that it was his own fault for not tying his shoe laces and that he should pay more attention when he is getting dressed.  He then admitted that he was wrong and bent down to tie his shoes.

Another time, I was swimming laps in the Hudson River; some porpoise dolphin comes up beside me and begins taunting me, asking me if I want to race him.  I replied in competitively friendly banter with, "I could beat you with one dorsal fin tied behind my back!"  The dolphin stopped swimming and a tear rolled down his beak.  The mood quickly changed from jest to solemn; something in my comment must have triggered some repressed memory from the dolphin's past.  It was clear that I had offended the dolphin.  I began to tread water, apologized to the dolphin and asked him what was wrong.  He then began to tell me of his rough upbringing as a pup (young dolphin).  "In west Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my days. Chillin out, maxin, relaxing all cool.  And all shooting some b-ball outside of school, when a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in my neighborhood.  I got in one lil fight and my mom got scared and said 'You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.'"  As my new dolphin friend, Will, continued to tell me his story, I became overwhelmed with empathy -- you see, I, too, used to play b-ball outside of school.

Will and I never finished that race; instead, we exchanged emails and now have brunch every Thursday morning.  He is a great friend of mine.  Dolphins are loyal and selfless; if only I could get my hands on those hooligans that picked a fight with Will... I'd like to shake flippers with those animals, if you know what I mean.

Addictions and You

Did you know that some people are addicted to eating ironing boards?  I didn't; did you know that some people are addicted to playing with the springy thing that stops the door from hitting the wall?  I knew about that one.  Whether you're addicted to crossing the street after you look both ways, or drinking milk right out of the orange juice carton, everyone has their strange addictions.  I once talked to a guy who told me he was addicted to telling people bad news.  That may sound like it is a bad addiction -- and he could probably find some other, more productive pastime --  but at least that guy had a passion!  I'm here to argue that having an addiction is not necessarily a bad thing.  People have addictions all the time.  It's just a matter of time.  Sometimes, though, addictions can get you into trouble.  Here is a quick breakdown of things you should consider before you choose an addiction.

Good addictions:
A good addiction is something that doesn't harm anyone, is productive... that's all I have to say on that.

Bad addictions:
A good bad addiction is something that is repulsive at first thought, and almost abominable at second glance.  If possible, a bad addiction will make your eyes bleed.  I'm lying when I say this; but seriously, bad addictions do that sometimes.  If you are wondering whether your addiction is a bad one, look around you.  Are people yelling?  Are people around you searching for severed limbs?  Are your immediate surroundings on fire?  If not, your addiction isn't bad enough.

Don't get yourself into too much trouble, though.  I'll leave you to define "too much."

New Proverbs of Old

Just because you are not Chinese doesn't mean you have no wisdom to offer the world.  Being a non-Chinese descendant does mean that you are going to have to work a little bit harder.  The reason is explained using simple ergonomics: there are more Chinese people than any other single race, thus the market (wise proverbs market) is flooded.  They have quantity -- you must submit quality.  The trick to writing a new proverb is to make sure it is funny; people will obey it if it is funny it if it if it if.  Take these, for example:

• The tough get going, sometimes
• My camel has 2 humps, 2 humps, my lovely lady lumps
• Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground
• My boys bring all the milkshakes to the yard
• Great minds think like babies
• Life is a box of babies... you never know when you're gonna have to change a diaper
• You don't know me (no pun intended)
• The apple never falls off of the tree
• An apple a day builds strong bones
• I was born in a tree
• Don't play with guns -- you'll poke your eye out
• Beef -- eat it for brunch, or don't
• Maybe there is such a thing as a free lunch?  Half-price?
• Don't mess with the horns before you mess with the bull, or if you're allergic to horns
• Sample problems are good for the soul
• Better safe and sorry
• The glass is only 1/3 full
• A bird in a bush is worth two trees in the hand
• Birds with feathers a flock of geese
• The calm storm comes before
• The weakest chain is stronger than the link between two forgotten chains
• Bring a knife to the potato fight
• Don't cook all your friend's eggs in one basket
• Every crowd has a silver lining, but some crowds don't
• The grass is sometimes brown on one side; always
• If life gives you lemons, twitter it
• Sinking ships probably have chapped lips
• Friends don't let co-workers eat and drive
• Serious as a horse attack
• Don't talk to strangers that you don't know
• An eye for a tooth and a tooth for a tooth
• If at first you don't succeed, beat them, and beat them again.  And then join them
• Time flies when you're having guns
• The more we know, the less we know
• Desperate times call for mullets
• Old friends are a dime a dozen (if you live in a nursing home)
• I can't believe it's not butt
• What goes around in a circle comes around
• Up a creek with out a saddle.  You can't do anything these days with out a saddle
• Easy come, easy diarrhea
• A bird in the bush in the birds in the bees in the beard
• It's raining cats and Chinese people
• The more you know, afro
• Kill two birds with one stone
• Get rich or crap crying

I could go on like this forever, but you get the idea...
Get some wisdom in your diet!

On second thought, I think I will go on like this forever.  I'm going to keep updating this post as more wisdom comes to me.  This post will knock your pants off with all the wisdom in it!

So You're Thinking About Getting a Sex Change?

Since I have absolutely no wisdom or experience on getting a sex change, let me instruct you on this matter.

Do you ever wish you could throw a football 150 yards at a time?  Do you ever wish you could crochet an entire pair of pants?  Are you scared of spiders?  If you answered yes to all three, or none of these questions, then you might be a good candidate for a sex change.

Ever since the summer of 1994, sex changes have kind of been an anathema.  People didn't talk about them; they didn't get them done.  They did not write blogs about them -- and it was good that they didn't.  You see, back in the summer of '94, they didn't know anything about sex changes -- you wouldn't want some uninformed college kid telling you about how/why you should/shouldn't change your sex!  Times are different now (you do want some uninformed college kid to tell you about that stuff); these topics have been loosened up to the general public by the government.

Changing your sex is a BIG decision -- you don't want to dare someone to do this kind of thing.  But how can you be sure that you want a sex change?  How can you be sure that you haven't already had a sex change?  I think the short answer to these questions -- like the short answer to a lot of questions one may ask oneself -- is: you don't want a sex change.  Unless you just do a terribly pathetic job at being a boy, or a lousy and crummy job at being a girl, then it may be barely permissible to ponder the option.  But even still, don't go there, girl and/or boy friend!

The long answer, I believe, is to follow these three simple and rhyming rules:

1. Don't hate; appreciate
2. Look both ways before crossing the street
3. ____________________________

Don't hate; appreciate:
Nobody likes a hater -- not even other haters.  But that doesn't stop people from hatin'.  As Aristotle once said, "Haters gonna hate."

 -- Interesting anecdote: Aristotle also said "Life is like a box of babies... you never know what you're going to get." --

Even though hating don't accomplish nothing, never, and, as a rule of thumb, only makes things worse, people continue to hate.  From what I've seen, this is most likely because hating is easier than fixing.  So from now on, when you find a problem -- something you don't like -- don't hate it; either fix your attitude about it, or make another solution.  In this case, fix your attitude about it!

Look both ways before crossing the street:

Both genders have problems of their own -- it's not just you!  It is true that some genders are better than others, but you will have a very difficult time finding the perfect gender.  Your best bet is to stick with the gender that has already established itself in your life and make the best of it.

Please, sex changes are gross!

Other important rules to follow:

1. Hugs, not drugs (no pun intended)
2. Don't eat things you found on the side of the road
3. Please and thank you
4. Don't talk to strangers
5. 
   

Did You Forget How to Read English?

If you have forgotten how to read English then you probably can’t understand what I’m typing right now. If this is the case then I could indulge any amount of personal information to you and you would have no idea what I was saying.  For example, I could tell you that...yea right. I’m not going to tell you my secrets that easy.

If you have forgotten how to read this new language that I just made up—Quanontics—then I would be able to reveal the most concealed mysteries of my innermost being to you, and you would have no idea.  For example:

Harkle, harkle, harkle, Charlie Sheen bongo manure.  Karsh Mr. Gatti’s thump!

If that italicized part were in English, and was a super important message from The Pentagon telling you to go hide in your basement or else Gadhafi was going to come attack you, you would be screwed. Clearly, it is very important that you don’t forget how to read English.

So what should you do when you do forget how to read English (it happens to everyone—well, most everyone, well, not really most everyone, more like, some people—especially the worst of us)? There is some medicine I remember seeing advertised one day that dealt with this exact issue. If you can find that medicine, take it! Whatever the side effects of that medicine are, are better than the side effects of forgetting how to read English. Trust me. Whatever you do, don't forget how to read while you are reading the directions on the medicine bottle. The last thing you want is to be able to read other languages besides English. This is America, and we read English here. If you want to read some other language, travel to Mexico. Also travel to Mexico if you want to join a drug cartel.

You could also try other, more natural remedies. I’ve heard of people using eucalyptus leaves to regain English consciousness. I've known people to ingest deer antlers in attempts to remember how to read a foreign or domestic language. I've even seen people bathe in the slime captured from a fish so that they could once again read English. None of these practices worked for any of these people. You see, once you forget how to read English, you lose every bit of common sense and rational thinking you have ever had. People make dumb decisions after they forget how to read English. It's a sad story—and it's all too typical:

Joe Schmlo was a normal guy, working a 9-5 job on the normal east end of town and guess what, he needed to know how to read English in order to complete his daily tasks at work. Well, one day he forgot how to read English. Once his ability do his job was compromised by his recent loss, he was soon fired from his job. He came home to his wife and told her all the bad news. Since he had lost all rational thinking and common sense, he chose to tell her by not really telling her at all. Well, she eventually found out and was super pissed. They ended up getting a divorce and stuff and it just went down hill from there.

Reading English is a good thing.  Don't forget how to read it.

Do You Want People to Think You're a Moron?

Since we're in America, there is more than one way to skin a cat.  If you read this title and thought, “I don’t want people to think I’m a moron,” good.  However, if you read the title and thought, “yes!” hold on; I’ll get back with you in a couple of paragraphs.  There is still a third way to interpret this title: you could have been reading too fast and thought, "Did he say, 'Do you want people to think you're a Mormon?'"  But this is altogether wrong.  Though, moron and Mormon are very similar words; nobody would fault you for mistaking the two.

The best ways to stop people from thinking you are a moron is to not act like a moron!  The best way to avoid acting like moron is to be well informed on what a moron is—what they look like, what they do for fun, where they congregate… For instance, morons wear funny hats—fact.  Have you ever been to the Kentucky derby?  Case and point.  Secondly, morons aint using guud gremmar.  It is with unnerving frequency that I see people mistake their “to, too, and two’s,” and their “there, their and they’re’s.” <---don’t hate.  If you hop on to Facebook and see someone’s status read: “______ is waaayyyyy to tired.  And don’t like the whether. FML.” You’re dealing with a moron.

Now let’s move to the second interpretation of the title: You do want people to think you’re a moron.  First off, if you want people to think you’re a moron, then there is a good chance that you are already a moron.  But, if you still have some doubts, do these things:

• Don’t use your blinkers
• Buy a huge umbrella and carry it around with you when it is sunny outside
• Bring McDonald's to class
• Eat McDonald's anywhere
• Wear a knee-high socks/shorts combo

Who knows why you want to be a moron?  Not me, that’s for sure.  Maybe there is some exclusive moron club you want to get into?  Maybe there is some hot moron girl your are into… these are the typical lures to bring people to the state of moronotomic [the “art” (for lack of a better word) of being a moron].
I remember one time I did something moronic.  I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an inconveniently placed tortoise.  This tortoise was all, “What the heck is your problem, man!  Can’t you see I’m taking a crap right here?”  I was like, “Just shut up, you stupid oaf.”  That was my first mistake.
The moral of the story is: you can’t expect turtles to be honest all the time.

Which leads me to: Don’t try to tussle with a lazy turtle.  Every time I get into an argument with my turtle friend, I tell myself, “Cliff, let this go; this battle is going to be more frustrating than a water-logged hamster wheel.”  So learn from my mistake.  Let the figurative turtle have his hypothetical jelly fish spend the night in the make believe aquarium—and you will save yourself an invisible amount of holographic trouble.

Low on Cash?

Trying times and desperate homeless men that we meet on our way to class have put us all in a difficult position.  Some of us are strapped for cash.  Not the best thing to be strapped for, or to, for that matter, but also not the worse.  There are things we want—some things we need—that we can no longer afford.  So now we come to a decision that must be made: do we neglect our primal instinct that tells us to “get money, spend money, b***h,” or do we take the moral high road by just spending the money?  I submit that we only spend money.  But to spend money, one must make money.  Have you ever thought about it like that?

So let’s make some money!  Everyone can make money; you just have to be willing to put in some hard work—or be willing to sell a kidney.  Yea, working for your money can be rewarding (rewards above and beyond the monetary gains).  Some people spend many consecutive hours on their feet at their workplace because they love it so much.  They get to wake up early in the morning, perform laborious, exhausting, physical tasks, and then earn their $1.95 at the end of the day.  But before they are allowed to take home their hard-earned moola, the government is allowed to take most of it from them.  The worker is then, finally allowed to rejoice over the wages he has earned.  That’s fine for him.

For the rest of us who want to make a lot of money real quick and real easy, the 9-5 just doesn’t cut it.  Recognizing the problem and knowing it deserved a solution, I took the liberty of researching some alternative methods for bringing in the dough.  Think to yourself: “How often do I step back from my busy day and really take the time to appreciate my kidney?”  Now think to yourself: “How much would I appreciate $91,400?”  Yup; that’s right!  You can sell your kidney to some guy who collects kidneys for fun and profit $91,400!  Instantly, you are $91K richer than you were yesterday.  Try finding a 9-5 to boast those stats!  Although impressed, I can hear you contend, “$91,400 is admirable, but what am I supposed to do after I spend all that money?”  You can’t trip me up.  I’ve already heard your question—before you asked it—and supplied you with a completely logical and rational solution.  Here’s what you do: go sell your one or more of your lungs.  You can sell a lung for $116,400.  Two lungs for $232,800!  And after that you can auction off your heart for $57,000.  I’m no doctor, but I think it sounds like no-brainer (I wonder how much a brain is worth) to trade in these organs for thousands of dollars.  Just think of how many boxes of Crayola’s you could buy!

Before you decide to get a real job or not, ask yourself this: “Do I want people to respect me because of what I don’t have, or do I want people to fear me because of what I don’t have?”  Let’s take a closer look at what this means with the aid of this chart:

Occupation	Pro’s	Con’s	What you stand to gain	What you stand to lose
Difficult Job	·       Dependable ·       Safer than cutting your body open every time you run out of cash	·       Boring ·       Stupid ·       Too much work ·       Oppressive Management ·       Little respect from peers	·       Hardly anything	·       All the things you could be gaining if you had sold your organs, you selfish dweeb
Organ Retailer	·       Lots of money ·       Little time invested ·       Would provide an interesting icebreaker at parties	·       You lose the functionality of those body parts that you sold	·       Money ·       Fame ·       Cars ·       Gold	·       Just some organs

When you break it down, you realize it's like the Native Americans used to say: “You can give a man a fish, or you can teach him how to fish.”  But neither will do him any good in this economy—fish sales are plummeting.  It’s a good thing there aren’t a bunch of fish inside of us; you can buy a barrel of fish for $2 these days.  Even worse than fish: plastic Kroger bags.  We would be in really bad shape if we were made out of Kroger bags.

Take this knowledge and go spend some money!  Then go make some money!

Feeling Like Crap?

We (you) all have our (your) down days; sometimes we (you) just aren't on top of our (your) game.  These days are no fun and often embarrassing.  Here’s a helpful guide on what to do when you can’t seem to do anything right.

Try to do some menial task (open a door, untie your shoes, flip a light switch…).   Upon the successful completion of this lowly operation, you will at least be able to say, “at least I can perform at the level of a monkey.”  But don’t let this go to your head; be sure to remember that you literally are doing nothing out of reach of a stupid chimpanzee.

Next, try to say something positive about yourself.  Say, for instance, “at least I have hair,” or, “at least I don’t have The Bubonic Plague.”  Being optimistic is a sure-fire way to beat pessimism!  Unless, of course, you realize that you are not a knight and you don’t live in the mid-14th century.  Having hair is nice, though.  Try saying things like, “I could be dumber,” or, “I could be more out of shape.”  But again, remember the ape is on the same—if not better—plane of thought.

The final tip to bring you up out of a down day is to try to do something even more brainless than any of the prior mistakes of the day.  This exercise will show you that you are capable of making much more severe mistakes than you have been making.  For example: if you fail a test, go try your hand at parkour.  When you end up breaking your leg because you are better at passing tests than you are at parkour, you will realize that at least it is only a test that you failed, and not a leg you have broken.

Hopefully you can take these tips and start applying them to your life to start having slightly better days!  Good luck!

Do You Need a Rabies Shot? How About a Rabbis Shot?

If you need a rabies shot, then it is highly likely that some rabid animal or rabbi has bitten you.  One of these misfortunes is curable.  The other…well, let’s just say we don’t hear from those people anymore (because they're mute).  There should be three things everyone does, every day:

1. Make sure you haven’t gotten rabies during the course of the night
2. Make sure you haven’t gotten rabbis during the course of the night
3. Become a nun

What should you do to make sure you are rabies free when you wake up? Check for symptoms!  Early symptoms of rabies—symptoms that present themselves around 8:30 or 9:00 in the morning—include: drowsiness, bad breath and foaming at the mouth.  If you neglect taking notice of these early symptoms—a foolish mistake—you should look out for later symptoms.  If, at some point in the day, you have in insatiable desire to bark at your neighbors or when someone rings the doorbell, you may have rabies.  Another later symptom: if you have the sudden urge to greet new friends by sniffing their pants, you may have rabies (or maybe you’re just a freak).  Watch for these symptoms and catch them early before you have to be put down.

Rabies is bad; rabbis is real bad.  Approximately .01% of 2% of the population of Delaware has been bitten by rabbis.  For these people, there is no hope.  Soon after the initial bite, a transformation begins to take place in the victim’s personality.  The victim becomes boring and old!  Then, a rampant beard protrudes from the victims face and neck (this symptom isn’t actually that bad).

Contracting rabies—or worse, rabbis—sucks.  But giving someone else rabies or rabbis is a great prank.  Here’s what you’ll need:

• 1 unsuspecting friend
• 1 foaming mouth (rabid animal’s mouth or rabbis’ mouth)
• 1 tourniquet
• 10 feet of rope
• 45 spare minutes
• Someone to share the laugh with

Here’s what you have to do: you and a couple of your pals sneak up behind your gullible friend, knock him out, tie him to some fixed object, pull out your foaming mouth and have it bite him, and tie the tourniquet around his neck.  And presto, you’ve just given someone a terrible disease that they will probably die from!  Let’s see your gullible friend try to get you back this time!

Stuff I Can’t Explain to You

Every now and then and later you may come across something in one of my posts that makes you stop and think, “What authority does Cliff have over this topic?  How does he know anything about this issue?  Where’s the proof?”  When you come to this place, here’s what I want you to think:

The first point I would like you to consider is: are the words coming out of Cliffs fingers, through the keyboard and into my eyes causing me any immediate harm?  Most of the time, the answer is going to be no.  Now then, who could not believe something that causes them no immediate harm?

Secondly, do you not believe the words I am sharing with you because you selfishly disagree with them (and by association, me)?  If this is the case, then let me explain your faulty logic through the following short story.  This excerpt from my mind has gotten me through many difficult times and always helps me put things into perspective.

One day, Kari was walking down the street when she heard a loud ruckus up ahead.  As she came closer, she noticed the source of the hubbub was an unruly cat committing arson.  Pausing only for a second to comprehend the peculiarity of the situation, Kari quickly jumped into action—this was not her first run in with a brash cat!  She quickly began hurling obscenities at the feline.  “You smell, you dirty cat!” Kari yelled.  “I hate you!” Kari cried.  Kari’s harsh remarks only worked to bring about more anger in Todd the cat.  Todd quickly drained the remaining gasoline onto the building and drew a match from his quiver.  “You’ll never get away with this,” Kari warned!  “Yes he will!” exclaimed Todd’s partner in crime, Mark the mailman.  Then, with unstoppable force—much like aids—Todd and Mark lit the match and set the defenseless, unsuspecting building ablaze!

Was Kari right in thinking that Todd was a smelly, dirty cat?  Yes.  Was Kari right in thinking that Todd and Mark would never get away with lighting the building on fire? No.  It just goes to show you: you can never be too sure about anything.

Lastly, are you disagreeing with me because I am authentically wrong?  If you think this is the case, I want you to:

1. Check your facts
2. Check them again
3. Reevaluate your opinion of truth

Of course, it is feasible that I may genuinely be wrong.  But for the sake of wizards and gumdrops, let’s just not even discuss that possibility, okay?

Callous Mark

Ruthless Todd

Brain Repair for Dummies

What’s with all the fuss over “my brain is broken,” and “help me trick my brain into thinking I’m not gay anymore?"

If you are thinking these things and want help in trying to master your brain, follow these simple steps.  I promise you (don’t hold me to it), you won’t regret it.

• Buy a slap chop.  Use it.
• Eat a minimum of 3 minutes before you go swimming. Every time
• Tell every woman you encounter that she has nice bone structure. For the purpose of this exercise, pretend Rosie O’Donnell is a woman.

If you are diligent to keep these simple steps and are extremely lucky, you too can be healed from most of your afflictions.

It’s like the lepers say, “When life hands you lemons, saw off your thumb.”

So You Think You Want to be a Nun?

Think back to when you were a little girl.  Try to remember when you were a little boy.  If you can remember both of those times then you need to stop reading this article and go find another one of my articles titled, “So You Think You Want A Sex Change.”  However, if you can remember either one of those times when you were a little boy or a little girl, then continue reading.  Remember how you would sit in your backyard playing with a Tonka truck pretending you were a nun on the construction site?  Remember how you would pretend you were dressing up a nun named Barbie?  Remember how you would run around in your superman pajamas pretending like you were a nun saving the world from peril?  Think back to those memories—harvest them and embrace them.  Continue reading.

Becoming a nun is a big decision—larger than the decision of whether or not to put your mom in the nursing home!  Don’t let this scare you though.  There are many opportunities for one to profit while fulfilling the duties of nunship.  Because of the numerous monetary rewards for becoming a nun, as well as the highly respected social status and the recession in the economy, many people are finally acting on their childhood dream.  They are steering the rudder of the ship, casting the sails, setting their sights and are loading their cannons—metaphorically speaking, of course.  Continue reading.

Nuns get a lot of perks—just ask Whoopi Goldberg (the lady from sister act)—lots of singing, dancing, parties and cool costumes and other nun stuff.  But arguably the most coveted perquisite would be the liberty to whack anyone within a 12-inch diameter of you with a ruler.  However, I would be remiss not to warn you of the hardships of a nun (otherwise known has nardships).  Nuns must be diligent. Furthermore, it is not uncommon for nuns to become jealous over the priest’s attention (insert cheap priest-little boy joke here).  Nuns must always wear black—not a problem after Labor Day, but kind of a hassle in the summer.  Nuns work long hours and must be the “mother goose,” so to speak of the church.  What do I mean by “mother goose?” Think about it; you’ll figure it out.  Continue reading.

All in all, don’t rule out the virtuous, voluptuous and vibrant career choice of the nun.  Try to make your career choice using the wisdom of the nun.  You can’t because you’re not a nun yet.  Doesn’t that make you want to become a nun?  Engineers design stuff, police keep crime off the streets, doctors save lives, but when one considers the nun, all the others pale in comparison.  I can’t explain to you exactly why the position of the nun is so superior (for this text read my article, “Stuff I Can’t Explain to You”).  But for now you just have to trust me.  What’s the worst that could happen?

Naked Mole Rats and Herpes and Kim Possible

The opening lyrics to the Kim Possible theme song include the line, “Doesn’t matter where, doesn’t matter when/ I will be there for you ‘till the very end.” To the average, passive television viewer, this is merely about KP’s crime fighting and world-saving activities. However, astute and intelligible scholars realize that she is in fact consoling her dear friend Ron Stoppable for housing not only a naked mole rat, but also a pair of pants full of herpes.

Naked mole rats are becoming a problem in America at an increasing rate. Many people will try to tell you that there is nothing to fear when considering the naked mole rat infestation that is so blatantly obvious these days. Naked mole rats are small, fat, big, naked, and have aids. There are a few people who have recognized that something needs to be done about naked mole rats—but even fewer have realized that something needs to be done about herpes.

When considering naked mole rats and herpes, there are only four possible solutions. But first, let’s discuss the problems. Nobody likes a mole rat (except Ben Stiller and Ron Stoppable)—and they are wise for having that opinion. Naked mole rats are lazy; they have no respect for other people and they are indecent by nature. Herpes is no better. Herpes is not a bad thing—it’s proven by science. Herpes does however make your teeth bleed. If you are walking down street and trip and fall into a puddle of horse manure, herpes will not help you up. Herpes will merely laugh as your soul is eaten by the microorganisms in the horse manure. Ergo, let us not fall prey to thinking that herpes is your friend, but your nemesis.

Now, to cut the crap and get to brass tax and bald babies: zombies carry herpes germs. We have all seen these horrific creatures crawl their way to the surface and immediately engage in horrid herpified orgies. The only remedy to this dilemma is obviously Randall “Tex” Cobb. If you have not seen Raising Arizona, I suggest you get your act together and watch it, heathen. For he is the picture of what a man of action does. He rides on a motorcycle, kidnaps babies, shoots big guns from a holster on his back, AND dies heroically. Herpes stands no chance, much less the zombie filth.

Other possible remedies to naked zombie herpes that will not work include, and are limited to:

• Eating a vegetarian
• Having sex with regular zombies
• Dying
• And taking a magical boat trip with Leonardo DiCaprio

Friends, stay away from herpes-hungry zombies! Stay away from zombie hungry herpes, too!