Low on Cash?

Trying times and desperate homeless men that we meet on our way to class have put us all in a difficult position.  Some of us are strapped for cash.  Not the best thing to be strapped for, or to, for that matter, but also not the worse.  There are things we want—some things we need—that we can no longer afford.  So now we come to a decision that must be made: do we neglect our primal instinct that tells us to “get money, spend money, b***h,” or do we take the moral high road by just spending the money?  I submit that we only spend money.  But to spend money, one must make money.  Have you ever thought about it like that?

So let’s make some money!  Everyone can make money; you just have to be willing to put in some hard work—or be willing to sell a kidney.  Yea, working for your money can be rewarding (rewards above and beyond the monetary gains).  Some people spend many consecutive hours on their feet at their workplace because they love it so much.  They get to wake up early in the morning, perform laborious, exhausting, physical tasks, and then earn their $1.95 at the end of the day.  But before they are allowed to take home their hard-earned moola, the government is allowed to take most of it from them.  The worker is then, finally allowed to rejoice over the wages he has earned.  That’s fine for him.

For the rest of us who want to make a lot of money real quick and real easy, the 9-5 just doesn’t cut it.  Recognizing the problem and knowing it deserved a solution, I took the liberty of researching some alternative methods for bringing in the dough.  Think to yourself: “How often do I step back from my busy day and really take the time to appreciate my kidney?”  Now think to yourself: “How much would I appreciate $91,400?”  Yup; that’s right!  You can sell your kidney to some guy who collects kidneys for fun and profit $91,400!  Instantly, you are $91K richer than you were yesterday.  Try finding a 9-5 to boast those stats!  Although impressed, I can hear you contend, “$91,400 is admirable, but what am I supposed to do after I spend all that money?”  You can’t trip me up.  I’ve already heard your question—before you asked it—and supplied you with a completely logical and rational solution.  Here’s what you do: go sell your one or more of your lungs.  You can sell a lung for $116,400.  Two lungs for $232,800!  And after that you can auction off your heart for $57,000.  I’m no doctor, but I think it sounds like no-brainer (I wonder how much a brain is worth) to trade in these organs for thousands of dollars.  Just think of how many boxes of Crayola’s you could buy!

Before you decide to get a real job or not, ask yourself this: “Do I want people to respect me because of what I don’t have, or do I want people to fear me because of what I don’t have?”  Let’s take a closer look at what this means with the aid of this chart:

Occupation	Pro’s	Con’s	What you stand to gain	What you stand to lose
Difficult Job	·       Dependable ·       Safer than cutting your body open every time you run out of cash	·       Boring ·       Stupid ·       Too much work ·       Oppressive Management ·       Little respect from peers	·       Hardly anything	·       All the things you could be gaining if you had sold your organs, you selfish dweeb
Organ Retailer	·       Lots of money ·       Little time invested ·       Would provide an interesting icebreaker at parties	·       You lose the functionality of those body parts that you sold	·       Money ·       Fame ·       Cars ·       Gold	·       Just some organs

When you break it down, you realize it's like the Native Americans used to say: “You can give a man a fish, or you can teach him how to fish.”  But neither will do him any good in this economy—fish sales are plummeting.  It’s a good thing there aren’t a bunch of fish inside of us; you can buy a barrel of fish for $2 these days.  Even worse than fish: plastic Kroger bags.  We would be in really bad shape if we were made out of Kroger bags.

Take this knowledge and go spend some money!  Then go make some money!