If you have forgotten how to read this new language that I just made up—Quanontics—then I would be able to reveal the most concealed mysteries of my innermost being to you, and you would have no idea. For example:
Harkle, harkle, harkle, Charlie Sheen bongo manure. Karsh Mr. Gatti’s thump!
If that italicized part were in English, and was a super important message from The Pentagon telling you to go hide in your basement or else Gadhafi was going to come attack you, you would be screwed. Clearly, it is very important that you don’t forget how to read English.
So what should you do when you do forget how to read English (it happens to everyone—well, most everyone, well, not really most everyone, more like, some people—especially the worst of us)? There is some medicine I remember seeing advertised one day that dealt with this exact issue. If you can find that medicine, take it! Whatever the side effects of that medicine are, are better than the side effects of forgetting how to read English. Trust me. Whatever you do, don't forget how to read while you are reading the directions on the medicine bottle. The last thing you want is to be able to read other languages besides English. This is America, and we read English here. If you want to read some other language, travel to Mexico. Also travel to Mexico if you want to join a drug cartel.
You could also try other, more natural remedies. I’ve heard of people using eucalyptus leaves to regain English consciousness. I've known people to ingest deer antlers in attempts to remember how to read a foreign or domestic language. I've even seen people bathe in the slime captured from a fish so that they could once again read English. None of these practices worked for any of these people. You see, once you forget how to read English, you lose every bit of common sense and rational thinking you have ever had. People make dumb decisions after they forget how to read English. It's a sad story—and it's all too typical:
Joe Schmlo was a normal guy, working a 9-5 job on the normal east end of town and guess what, he needed to know how to read English in order to complete his daily tasks at work. Well, one day he forgot how to read English. Once his ability do his job was compromised by his recent loss, he was soon fired from his job. He came home to his wife and told her all the bad news. Since he had lost all rational thinking and common sense, he chose to tell her by not really telling her at all. Well, she eventually found out and was super pissed. They ended up getting a divorce and stuff and it just went down hill from there.
Reading English is a good thing. Don't forget how to read it.
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