So You Think You Want to be a Nun?

Think back to when you were a little girl.  Try to remember when you were a little boy.  If you can remember both of those times then you need to stop reading this article and go find another one of my articles titled, “So You Think You Want A Sex Change.”  However, if you can remember either one of those times when you were a little boy or a little girl, then continue reading.  Remember how you would sit in your backyard playing with a Tonka truck pretending you were a nun on the construction site?  Remember how you would pretend you were dressing up a nun named Barbie?  Remember how you would run around in your superman pajamas pretending like you were a nun saving the world from peril?  Think back to those memories—harvest them and embrace them.  Continue reading.

Becoming a nun is a big decision—larger than the decision of whether or not to put your mom in the nursing home!  Don’t let this scare you though.  There are many opportunities for one to profit while fulfilling the duties of nunship.  Because of the numerous monetary rewards for becoming a nun, as well as the highly respected social status and the recession in the economy, many people are finally acting on their childhood dream.  They are steering the rudder of the ship, casting the sails, setting their sights and are loading their cannons—metaphorically speaking, of course.  Continue reading.

Nuns get a lot of perks—just ask Whoopi Goldberg (the lady from sister act)—lots of singing, dancing, parties and cool costumes and other nun stuff.  But arguably the most coveted perquisite would be the liberty to whack anyone within a 12-inch diameter of you with a ruler.  However, I would be remiss not to warn you of the hardships of a nun (otherwise known has nardships).  Nuns must be diligent. Furthermore, it is not uncommon for nuns to become jealous over the priest’s attention (insert cheap priest-little boy joke here).  Nuns must always wear black—not a problem after Labor Day, but kind of a hassle in the summer.  Nuns work long hours and must be the “mother goose,” so to speak of the church.  What do I mean by “mother goose?” Think about it; you’ll figure it out.  Continue reading.

All in all, don’t rule out the virtuous, voluptuous and vibrant career choice of the nun.  Try to make your career choice using the wisdom of the nun.  You can’t because you’re not a nun yet.  Doesn’t that make you want to become a nun?  Engineers design stuff, police keep crime off the streets, doctors save lives, but when one considers the nun, all the others pale in comparison.  I can’t explain to you exactly why the position of the nun is so superior (for this text read my article, “Stuff I Can’t Explain to You”).  But for now you just have to trust me.  What’s the worst that could happen?