Naked mole rats are becoming a problem in America at an increasing rate. Many people will try to tell you that there is nothing to fear when considering the naked mole rat infestation that is so blatantly obvious these days. Naked mole rats are small, fat, big, naked, and have aids. There are a few people who have recognized that something needs to be done about naked mole rats—but even fewer have realized that something needs to be done about herpes.
When considering naked mole rats and herpes, there are only four possible solutions. But first, let’s discuss the problems. Nobody likes a mole rat (except Ben Stiller and Ron Stoppable)—and they are wise for having that opinion. Naked mole rats are lazy; they have no respect for other people and they are indecent by nature. Herpes is no better. Herpes is not a bad thing—it’s proven by science. Herpes does however make your teeth bleed. If you are walking down street and trip and fall into a puddle of horse manure, herpes will not help you up. Herpes will merely laugh as your soul is eaten by the microorganisms in the horse manure. Ergo, let us not fall prey to thinking that herpes is your friend, but your nemesis.
Now, to cut the crap and get to brass tax and bald babies: zombies carry herpes germs. We have all seen these horrific creatures crawl their way to the surface and immediately engage in horrid herpified orgies. The only remedy to this dilemma is obviously Randall “Tex” Cobb. If you have not seen Raising Arizona, I suggest you get your act together and watch it, heathen. For he is the picture of what a man of action does. He rides on a motorcycle, kidnaps babies, shoots big guns from a holster on his back, AND dies heroically. Herpes stands no chance, much less the zombie filth.
Other possible remedies to naked zombie herpes that will not work include, and are limited to:
- Eating a vegetarian
- Having sex with regular zombies
- Dying
- And taking a magical boat trip with Leonardo DiCaprio
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