Sheep Are Excellent at Planning Murders

Two cats walk up to each other. The first cat (Bo) gets all defensive and is like, "Hey, you, second and inferior feline, can't you see I'm walking here?" The second (but in no way inferior) cat (Ted Shundy) responds by lifting both front paws in the air in a "What-r-you-gunna-do-bout-it" manner. Bo interprets the body language as, "You're right; you may take the lead." And so the first cat rudely tail-whips the second cat and prances on down the road. Bo thought he had just won the confrontation, but little did he know that the second cat was not even a real cat. No, the second animal was actually a sheep in disguise -- a sheep in cats clothing! And the first (and only) cat was about to learn that you don't cross a sheep. Bo was about to learn life's 4th most important lesson: don't make a sheep angry unless you want to die.

After being humiliated by a cat, Ted Shundy (having no relation to Ted Bundy -- cough.. cough..famous.. wink.. serial.. ehheemmm... killer.. cough..) took a trip to his hidden and state of the art pasture. Along the way he had to make a couple of pit stops. First Ted went in to the local Wall-mart to buy some bananas and cream cheese.

The end

Cat got your tongue?

I think we have all been in one of those situations where we have said something we wish we could take back.  We might have said something that embarrassed us by showing our ignorance, hurt someone's feelings, or gotten us into a bit of trouble.  Think back to your most recent incident.  For me, the most recent was accidentally telling my girlfriend she should work out more.  That one got me into a little bit of trouble.  No serious consequences though; don't worry! Whatever inane thing has fallen out of your mouth, I bet you wish there were a way to rewind time and prevent yourself from saying that thing again.  Well, what would you say if I told you that there is a way to do that -- sort of!

To know how to prevent blabbing out dumb from our mouths, let's take a look at how these conversations usually unfold.  In my experience (no comment on the quantitative measures of my experience), I will usually be trying to make a joke when I accidentally cross some moral, ethical or relational line.  Shortly following, the person I am with will let me know what I have done (or I'll realize on my own -- this is no better), and I'll try to backtrack my way back to good graces.  In the process of backtracking, I'll get into a bout between quickly trying to fix the problem, but not wanting to screw it up even farther.  This struggle will force me to clumsily stutter between my words, trying to be very careful, as I am dealing with a delicate situation.  This stuttering is very well described and made fun of by third party observers as, "Cat got your tongue?"

Which leads me to: what if a cat really did have my tongue?  Depending on when the cat got a hold of my tongue, I would have never "stuck my foot in my mouth" in the first place.  It might be better for me to carry a cat around in the chest pocket on my shirt so he can grab my tongue before it is too late.  Of course, I would have to give a stern and austere talking to the cat if he snatched my tongue via violent and forceful measures.  I would sit the cat down, and I would calmly say, "listen to me, feline!  You are here to prevent me from looking like an oaf -- not prevent me from saying anything ever again.  Do your job!  AND DO IT RIGHT, IDIOT!"  I hate to be so brash and saucy, but those cats won't listen unless you let them know who's in charge.

It would also be nice to be able to put something in that superfluous pocket.  I think you are supposed to put pens and pencils in there, but I am too vain for that sort of thing.  I wouldn't mind putting a cat in that pocket.  Unlike people who put writing utensils in there, there would be no way any kind of negative slang ("nerd," "dweeb," "dork...") would be thrown to people storing anti-foot-in-mouth-cats in that pocket.

I've got the preventative side of the issue taken care of; now somebody needs to engineer some machine to take us back in time to recover from past slip-ups.  Get on it!

Stuff I Can’t Explain to You

Every now and then and later you may come across something in one of my posts that makes you stop and think, “What authority does Cliff have over this topic?  How does he know anything about this issue?  Where’s the proof?”  When you come to this place, here’s what I want you to think:

The first point I would like you to consider is: are the words coming out of Cliffs fingers, through the keyboard and into my eyes causing me any immediate harm?  Most of the time, the answer is going to be no.  Now then, who could not believe something that causes them no immediate harm?

Secondly, do you not believe the words I am sharing with you because you selfishly disagree with them (and by association, me)?  If this is the case, then let me explain your faulty logic through the following short story.  This excerpt from my mind has gotten me through many difficult times and always helps me put things into perspective.

One day, Kari was walking down the street when she heard a loud ruckus up ahead.  As she came closer, she noticed the source of the hubbub was an unruly cat committing arson.  Pausing only for a second to comprehend the peculiarity of the situation, Kari quickly jumped into action—this was not her first run in with a brash cat!  She quickly began hurling obscenities at the feline.  “You smell, you dirty cat!” Kari yelled.  “I hate you!” Kari cried.  Kari’s harsh remarks only worked to bring about more anger in Todd the cat.  Todd quickly drained the remaining gasoline onto the building and drew a match from his quiver.  “You’ll never get away with this,” Kari warned!  “Yes he will!” exclaimed Todd’s partner in crime, Mark the mailman.  Then, with unstoppable force—much like aids—Todd and Mark lit the match and set the defenseless, unsuspecting building ablaze!

Was Kari right in thinking that Todd was a smelly, dirty cat?  Yes.  Was Kari right in thinking that Todd and Mark would never get away with lighting the building on fire? No.  It just goes to show you: you can never be too sure about anything.

Lastly, are you disagreeing with me because I am authentically wrong?  If you think this is the case, I want you to:

1. Check your facts
2. Check them again
3. Reevaluate your opinion of truth

Of course, it is feasible that I may genuinely be wrong.  But for the sake of wizards and gumdrops, let’s just not even discuss that possibility, okay?

Callous Mark

Ruthless Todd