How to Get a Job

If you are living in your mother's basement, read this:

You owe it to yourself to get a job. With jobs come excitement, killer-good times and, most importantly, chicks! Chicks dig jobs! Chicks also dig red Honda Civics and brown hair and beards. But that's not what we're here to discuss today. For a full write up on stuff chicks dig, check out a nearby post titled "Stuff Chicks Dig." But for advice on the topic at hand -- getting a job -- continue reading!

Tip #1:

• Be assertive in the interview.
• Many people will tell you, "Exercise proper manners when interviewing -- use phrases like: 'yes, sir,' 'no, ma'am' and 'yes, please.'"  But I'm here to tell you: that does not work!  I had a friend once who went to a job interview.  While he was preparing for the interview I told him, "Friend, be sure that you are as audacious and blunt as possible.  If you are polite, it tells the employer that you are weak.  I told him to answer all of the interviewer's questions with more questions."  To my shock and dismay, my friend ignored all of my advice.  In fact he performed the opposite.  And guess what -- he didn't get the job.  It just goes to show you: you can't be nice in today's economy.

Tip #2:

• Do some research about the company before you go into the interview.
• When the employer asks you, "Why should I hire you?" respond with an answer that shows them you have done your homework. Say something along the lines of, "Well, if you would like your Jack Russell Terrier -- Sammie -- to be alive tonight when you return to your home on 435 Blossom Street, I would suggest you hire me on the spot."
• This shows the employer that:
• You are willing to make the tough call in order to get the job done
• You have done your homework
• You are not someone to mess with

Tip #3:

• Grow a beard -- it worked for me!

Tip #4:

• Type up a kick-a resume!
• Your resume is your place to set yourself apart from the crowd! This is your place to nonchalantly mention your selfless, humble and incessant endeavors in raising awareness for aids, world hunger, global warming, baby pandas, Mothers Against Drunk Driving and orphans from Taiwan. 
• Also be sure to let the employer know that you were the sole writer for the morally pure, wholehearted series The Waltons.

If you follow these four tips, you are sure to land a job doing something awesome -- or at least somewhere that pays. If your first interview doesn't go so well, no worries. Just get another interview and try again. If that one doesn't work out, keep trying until there are no more pets in the city; then open up your own breeding business and make bank!

Good luck!