Do You Want People to Think You're a Moron?

Since we're in America, there is more than one way to skin a cat.  If you read this title and thought, “I don’t want people to think I’m a moron,” good.  However, if you read the title and thought, “yes!” hold on; I’ll get back with you in a couple of paragraphs.  There is still a third way to interpret this title: you could have been reading too fast and thought, "Did he say, 'Do you want people to think you're a Mormon?'"  But this is altogether wrong.  Though, moron and Mormon are very similar words; nobody would fault you for mistaking the two.

The best ways to stop people from thinking you are a moron is to not act like a moron!  The best way to avoid acting like moron is to be well informed on what a moron is—what they look like, what they do for fun, where they congregate… For instance, morons wear funny hats—fact.  Have you ever been to the Kentucky derby?  Case and point.  Secondly, morons aint using guud gremmar.  It is with unnerving frequency that I see people mistake their “to, too, and two’s,” and their “there, their and they’re’s.” <---don’t hate.  If you hop on to Facebook and see someone’s status read: “______ is waaayyyyy to tired.  And don’t like the whether. FML.” You’re dealing with a moron.

Now let’s move to the second interpretation of the title: You do want people to think you’re a moron.  First off, if you want people to think you’re a moron, then there is a good chance that you are already a moron.  But, if you still have some doubts, do these things:

• Don’t use your blinkers
• Buy a huge umbrella and carry it around with you when it is sunny outside
• Bring McDonald's to class
• Eat McDonald's anywhere
• Wear a knee-high socks/shorts combo

Who knows why you want to be a moron?  Not me, that’s for sure.  Maybe there is some exclusive moron club you want to get into?  Maybe there is some hot moron girl your are into… these are the typical lures to bring people to the state of moronotomic [the “art” (for lack of a better word) of being a moron].
I remember one time I did something moronic.  I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an inconveniently placed tortoise.  This tortoise was all, “What the heck is your problem, man!  Can’t you see I’m taking a crap right here?”  I was like, “Just shut up, you stupid oaf.”  That was my first mistake.
The moral of the story is: you can’t expect turtles to be honest all the time.

Which leads me to: Don’t try to tussle with a lazy turtle.  Every time I get into an argument with my turtle friend, I tell myself, “Cliff, let this go; this battle is going to be more frustrating than a water-logged hamster wheel.”  So learn from my mistake.  Let the figurative turtle have his hypothetical jelly fish spend the night in the make believe aquarium—and you will save yourself an invisible amount of holographic trouble.

Feeling Like Crap?

We (you) all have our (your) down days; sometimes we (you) just aren't on top of our (your) game.  These days are no fun and often embarrassing.  Here’s a helpful guide on what to do when you can’t seem to do anything right.

Try to do some menial task (open a door, untie your shoes, flip a light switch…).   Upon the successful completion of this lowly operation, you will at least be able to say, “at least I can perform at the level of a monkey.”  But don’t let this go to your head; be sure to remember that you literally are doing nothing out of reach of a stupid chimpanzee.

Next, try to say something positive about yourself.  Say, for instance, “at least I have hair,” or, “at least I don’t have The Bubonic Plague.”  Being optimistic is a sure-fire way to beat pessimism!  Unless, of course, you realize that you are not a knight and you don’t live in the mid-14th century.  Having hair is nice, though.  Try saying things like, “I could be dumber,” or, “I could be more out of shape.”  But again, remember the ape is on the same—if not better—plane of thought.

The final tip to bring you up out of a down day is to try to do something even more brainless than any of the prior mistakes of the day.  This exercise will show you that you are capable of making much more severe mistakes than you have been making.  For example: if you fail a test, go try your hand at parkour.  When you end up breaking your leg because you are better at passing tests than you are at parkour, you will realize that at least it is only a test that you failed, and not a leg you have broken.

Hopefully you can take these tips and start applying them to your life to start having slightly better days!  Good luck!