Cat got your tongue?

I think we have all been in one of those situations where we have said something we wish we could take back.  We might have said something that embarrassed us by showing our ignorance, hurt someone's feelings, or gotten us into a bit of trouble.  Think back to your most recent incident.  For me, the most recent was accidentally telling my girlfriend she should work out more.  That one got me into a little bit of trouble.  No serious consequences though; don't worry! Whatever inane thing has fallen out of your mouth, I bet you wish there were a way to rewind time and prevent yourself from saying that thing again.  Well, what would you say if I told you that there is a way to do that -- sort of!

To know how to prevent blabbing out dumb from our mouths, let's take a look at how these conversations usually unfold.  In my experience (no comment on the quantitative measures of my experience), I will usually be trying to make a joke when I accidentally cross some moral, ethical or relational line.  Shortly following, the person I am with will let me know what I have done (or I'll realize on my own -- this is no better), and I'll try to backtrack my way back to good graces.  In the process of backtracking, I'll get into a bout between quickly trying to fix the problem, but not wanting to screw it up even farther.  This struggle will force me to clumsily stutter between my words, trying to be very careful, as I am dealing with a delicate situation.  This stuttering is very well described and made fun of by third party observers as, "Cat got your tongue?"

Which leads me to: what if a cat really did have my tongue?  Depending on when the cat got a hold of my tongue, I would have never "stuck my foot in my mouth" in the first place.  It might be better for me to carry a cat around in the chest pocket on my shirt so he can grab my tongue before it is too late.  Of course, I would have to give a stern and austere talking to the cat if he snatched my tongue via violent and forceful measures.  I would sit the cat down, and I would calmly say, "listen to me, feline!  You are here to prevent me from looking like an oaf -- not prevent me from saying anything ever again.  Do your job!  AND DO IT RIGHT, IDIOT!"  I hate to be so brash and saucy, but those cats won't listen unless you let them know who's in charge.

It would also be nice to be able to put something in that superfluous pocket.  I think you are supposed to put pens and pencils in there, but I am too vain for that sort of thing.  I wouldn't mind putting a cat in that pocket.  Unlike people who put writing utensils in there, there would be no way any kind of negative slang ("nerd," "dweeb," "dork...") would be thrown to people storing anti-foot-in-mouth-cats in that pocket.

I've got the preventative side of the issue taken care of; now somebody needs to engineer some machine to take us back in time to recover from past slip-ups.  Get on it!

Excuses, Excuses

"Hey, man, wanna help me move this weekend?" calls out your pal.  You want to return with a quick, "NO WAY!" but you know your friend will demand a good reason for why you stood him up.  Unfortunately for you, you have not read this blog post, and you are lost for words.  So instead, you answer his question with, "Sure; Why not?"  How lame; or in Spanish: "Que Librerio."  Now you are stuck moving furniture instead of watching your favorite cable television program -- Criminal Minds.  I bet you wish you had some good excuses to give your friends when you want out of some laborious task.  And without further ado, here is a post to provide you with just that.

There are a few tricks that you will want to hide in your sleeves so that you will be able to whip them out when it is time to submit a clever excuse.  Besides the obvious things to hide in your sleeves that will help you quickly escape from dangerous situations -- smoke bombs, furry animals, ninja stars, flash-bang grenades, etc. -- you might also want to hide some well thought out tips on how to shake off your friend's requests.

The First Tip:
Make your excuse believable!  Do not tell your mom that you are going to be late for curfew because you got caught up running from a pack of ravenous wolves -- unless you really were!  Incidentally, if you do get caught up running from a pack of ravenous wolves, do not make the same mistakes I made!  That wolf does not want to be your friend, and definitely will not politely listen to and forgive you when you stop running to apologize for "just wanting to play fetch" with its cub.  Those wolves are quick to tear open the flesh, and slow to forgive.  Do not think that just because the baby wolf looks like a fun thing to play with, the momma wolf will be fun, too!

The Second Tip:
Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you ever recycle excuses!  It's like this one time: my great, great, twice removed cousin the third to the fourth power squared gave me a new 16-year-old sister for my birthday.  My first reaction -- like most of you would have felt -- was complete elation!  We (my new sister and me) spent lots of time together, enjoying every minute we spent together. Sooner or later (sooner) I found out that I got the sister only because my brother turned her down.  Needless to say, I was furious with my cousin!  I quickly "took care of" my new sister, and "disposed of" the gift on the hood of my cousin's car with a note that, when paraphrased, told my cousin to never be so foolish to recycle any gift ever again, and next time, I would not show her as much mercy.

The Final Tip:
Try to make your excuses believable, or unbelievable -- but you need to make up your mind before it is time for you to make up your excuse.  There are only 165 things I hate more (2 1/2 things I hate less) than an excuse that sounds kind of believable, but at the same time, kind of not believable.  Make up your mind before you start dishing out your excuses!  Example:

"Mr. Bob, I need tomorrow off.  I have.. uh.. to go somewhere."
"Where do you need to go?"
"I need to go to.. the doctor because I just found out I think I have cervical cancer in my face."  Bob pauses, trying to remember what cervical cancer is, and if it is possible for someone to get cancer in the face.  He notes that his employee has been sneezing for the past couple days and wonders if sneezing is a sign of cervical face cancer.  Bob cannot decide whether he believes his employee's excuse or not, and just gets frustrated.

Bob ended up getting so embittered with his employee's excuse that he gave him the day off, with full pay, and he still got employee of the month.  The point is: commit to your excuses -- either choose a believable excuse, or a not so believable excuse.

Good luck with your excuses, and remember the old Chinese adage: a good excuse chooses you, not the other way upside down.

Life Goals (Or Not)

Whether you're 50 or 5, 16 or 166, you have some goals that you want to accomplish in life.  Even if you haven't sat down and explicitly written out a list, or even if you haven't made a mental archive of ambitions to achieve before you die, I'm willing to say that there are things you want to get done before you ride off into the sunrise on the sunburned llama (if you know what I mean).  When is a good time to accomplish your goals?  How many goals should one have per lifetime?  What are some good goals one should be shooting for?  These questions and more (or less) I will answer for you in the following paragraphs.

Quality
Choosing appropriate goals (no pun intended) is a decision that is regulated by only one rule: is it feasible for you to accomplish a given goal in your lifetime?  To counter your quick, unplanned, foolish criticism in which you lash, "Where is the adventure and the excitement in achieving the ordinary?  What joy is it to attain that which is certain?" I will supply you with the this reminder:

Remember in High School anatomy when your teacher taught you about the fragile emotional state of the killer whale?  Remember how the killer whale would succumb to wild fits of rage when he routinely lost his youth league soccer matches?

The whale's goals (winning) were lofty and unattainable; when unmet, the whale was left in a state of despair and gloom.  I think, scientifically speaking, the whale would have led a happier life if he won his soccer matches.  The point is: do not set out to accomplish what you are destined to fail; instead, succeed in those areas.

Of course, one way to absolutely prevent the failure of any of your goals is to have no goals.  You cannot fail something that is not in existence.  You can't accomplish your life goals if you have no goals, either -- unless your life goal was to have no goals... loophole!

Quantity
Speaking of paradoxes, a good rule to follow concerning the quantity of life goals is: do not attempt more goals than a healthy set of oxen can carry.  Let's say an ox can carry three goals at a time: plowing, lowing, and eating.  If you try to burden down an ox with too many tasks at one time, you will create for yourself one angry animal -- one angry 3000 lb. animal.  Trust me, if I learned anything from the summer of 78', it is that you do not want to vex anything that large!  The point is: if it is too much for a 3000 lb. beast to handle, it is probably too much for you as well.  Choose a reasonable amount of attainable goals -- or face an irate herd of killer whaxen!  (Whaxen = whales + oxen)

Playing fair
Lastly, don't copy other people's life goals.  Cuz' copying ain't cool, man.  If your friend says one of her qualitatively and quantitatively reasonable goals is to get married, guess what, that can no longer be your goal.  You can still get married, but there will no longer be any feeling of joy or success when that day comes.  You should find a new life goal and accomplish it -- quickly, before your friends take up all the good ones!

Good luck in choosing your life goals; choose carefully or reap the consequences!  Or you could be lazy, I suppose.

This is why I'm hot

Have you been feeling kind of not hot lately?  Has someone recently said something to the effect of, "you are not hot?"  If so, and you want to be more hot, just take a few minutes (a few painfully long minutes) to listen to "This Is Why I'm Hot" by that Mims guy.  I'll put up a few of the lyrics and try to explain to you what he is trying to tell us.  Then we will know why Mims is hot and how we can become hot like Mims.  What more could you want?

This is why I'm hot

• Go on...

I don't gotta rap

• I think Mims is trying to tell us that he is not a professional rapper.  I'm not sure what this has to do with him being hot.  Maybe rapping is not hot.

I can sell a mill saying nothing on the track

• It's obvious that a 'mill' is a horse.  What else would you sell on the track?  
• You could sell watches on a track
• If you were at a watch selling venue that was set up on a track
• You could sell rap CD's on a track
• That wouldn't be very hot though (according to the second line)

I represent New York

• New York is an epicenter for fashion -- much like Texas.  Everybody knows that
• In the ever-changing definition -- as ascertained by Mims -- fashion is the new hot
• Kind of like how baseball used to be hot

I got it on my back

• Most likely either a mole or a monkey.  Maybe an elephant.

I love the dirty, dirty

• Uhh...

I take it to the Bay

• 'Bay' rhymes with 'hay,' which is what horses and cows eat

Frisco to Sac-town

• I'm pretty sure Frisco is a type of mayonnaise, or cooking oil, or something of the sort.  Mims must be quite accomplished in the kitchen
• Cooking is hot
• Especially near the stove

People say that I'm fly

• Clearly, being 'fly' is hot
• As proved by the lyrics of numerous songs of this era

The rest of the song I will leave up to you to interpret (mostly because of profanity's sake).  Good luck understanding how to be hot like Mims!

Will Man and Fish Ever Coexist in Equality?

From the dawn of time, mankind has been asking at least one question.  One of the less important questions plaguing man's thoughts has been: will man and fish ever coexist in equality?  Today I am going to answer this question.  Why would I bother to answer such a question?  Why not?  But first, a short history lesson.

Fore-score and a long time ago, a violent people group was getting hungry.  They searched for food in all the places they could think of.  Even the most remote of places -- they checked under rocks and in trees and stuff -- but still no dice.  They grew so desperate that they started going into the rivers -- their first intention was to eat some of the crashing waves, but they soon found ample fish.  Faster than you can bat a baseball bat at, the violent and hungry (bad combo) tribe took to the rivers and streams of the area!  The people were ruthless to the fish -- no act of violence was regulated on the fish.

This blatant lack of respect for the fish and the fish's feelings has continued for the last 300 decades (not counting leap years, of course).  And the fish community is not very happy about it.  Recent complaints have been reported from America's waterways.  Fishermen are griping that the sun is too hot, the fish bait is too gross, and that the food at the lodge is too crappy.  These fish are getting angry, and they are seeking retribution.  If left undressed, these fish will continue to propagate and make more little fishies.  If left unaddressed, the fish will only get madder, and, though the realistic chance that anything drastic will ever come of their revolt is nearly zero, we, as the dominate race, must not be caught off guard!  Because fish have a brain smaller than a boulder, no opposable thumbs with which they can use to construct any sort of weapon, and their gills restrict them to the water, we have virtually no reason to fear the fish ever invading our cities and towns.  But, if the fish are able to defy all odds and overcome all of those obstacles, we might have a reason to fret.

Fishermen would be complaining not about the hot sun, or high gas prices, but instead, about fish poo in their water supply, random fish attacks on innocent tadpoles, organized fish attacks on guilty tadpoles, and even more disturbing, fish becoming so desperate that they are willing to tear open their other fishmates just for the sake of using the victim's intestines to sew together tow cables that will be used to wrap around your ankles so you can't walk, and then drag you down into the abyss, where they will continue to perform unspeakable horrors on your hopeless body.

The way I see it, we have only two options (three if you ignore some of the laws of physics). Viable solutions include:

• Wipe out all of the fish, all over the world
• Learn about fish and what we can do to respect their culture
• Build a time machine to go back in time and wipe out the violent people before they begin hunting the fish

One of those solutions would be a lot of work, the second would require a lot of patience and for us to actually care about fish, and the third is physically (and ethically) unsound.

I suppose man and fish will not ever coexist in equality.  Stop whining about it, sissy pants.