How to Name Your Horse

Try to imagine yourself in a hypothetical situation: you have just bought a horse and intend to race it at the Kentucky Derby.  Great!  Only one problem -- what are you going to name it?!  Statistically speaking, naming a horse is the most difficult part of owning a horse -- especially a race horse!  Trust me; I know someone who actually has a horse.

So let’s get started -- but first, a few well known facts about horses:

• An average horse with brown hair weighs about 1,900 lb.
• Horses have two main eyes
• Many critics disagree with this, but some horses have 6 hands
• A horse has to go to the bathroom at least 4 times a day (depending on how many drinks it has had)
• Horses can run as fast as a kid in a skate park
• White horses can’t jump

But you knew all of that already; let’s get to business.  You want to name a horse.  Here’s how you do it.  But first, take a moment to recognize some of the greatest horse names in all of history.  Horses with names like Classical Gas, Eats Money Makes Manure, Morbo and Spider Pig have won awards purely based on their awesome names.  If you don’t do a good job naming your horse, no one will like it and it will win no awards -- ever.

But enough stalling (pun intended); here are the basics on naming your race horse.  But first, again, don’t you think it’s important that you know what horses eat?  Neither do I.  You can feed a horse almost anything (obviously a horse prefers dark meat to white meat)!  But they are very particular about what they will digest.  And it’s important that you feed a horse what it wants.  If you don’t, you run the risk of having to clean up horse diarrhea -- and trust me -- that is not any fun.

Speaking of things that are not fun, riding a horse without teeth is super annoying.  To give you an idea of how unpleasant this is, I would compare it to riding a donkey without teeth.  Yea, I know -- who would want to do that?  I don’t know.

Naming a donkey is not nearly as stressful as naming a horse.  Donkeys do not have emotions or feelings, so it is impossible to disappoint it by giving it a sucky name.  Donkeys never win awards, either.  Donkeys are pathetic (in terms of anything awesome); and so you can call it whatever you want.  You really don’t even need to name a donkey.  You could probably just point at it when you are joking with your friends about how stupid your donkey is.