Stuff Chicks Dig

If you are a dude and have said to yourself "Man, I wish there was a comprehensive list of things chicks dig," then this is the post for you! Look no further; my name is Cliff; and I know the list.

Many people will tell you that girls love chocolate and flowers and roses and dandelions and rattlesnakes, but what do those clowns really know? I'll tell you what clowns know: clowns know how to make people not like them! Did you know 10 out of 10 historians don't like clowns? I personally don't see what is so unattractive about those clowns. Clowns come to birthday parties and make people laugh -- what is so wrong with that? They drive funny little cars -- where is the atrocity in that? Is it because they look kind of funky? Well guess what, so do babies, old people and middle schoolers; but people don't run around yelling, "OMG, I am afraid of middle schoolers named Chuckie!"

Now that I think about it, being afraid of middle schoolers isn't that crazy a notion; they are unpredictable, exaggeratedly hyper, and haven't learned the social norms of society. Sometimes they can be terrors! I'm pretty sure if I had to choose between spending the day with a clown or a middle schooler, I would choose the clown. Perhaps if a middle schooler were dressed up like a clown, then the general populous would have a reason to drop what they are doing and enter into a state of mass hysteria and panic. But until then, can we just let bygones be bygones (whatever a bygone is)?

Actually didn't Chuckie look like he was about the age of a middle schooler? I know a middle schooler who reminds me of Chuckie -- always running around stabbing people and haunting their dreams. Don't mess with middle schoolers named Chuckie, man. If you do, you are only cruisin' for a bruisin'! Also you're probably cruising for a dagger to the torso.

How to Get a Job

If you are living in your mother's basement, read this:

You owe it to yourself to get a job. With jobs come excitement, killer-good times and, most importantly, chicks! Chicks dig jobs! Chicks also dig red Honda Civics and brown hair and beards. But that's not what we're here to discuss today. For a full write up on stuff chicks dig, check out a nearby post titled "Stuff Chicks Dig." But for advice on the topic at hand -- getting a job -- continue reading!

Tip #1:

• Be assertive in the interview.
• Many people will tell you, "Exercise proper manners when interviewing -- use phrases like: 'yes, sir,' 'no, ma'am' and 'yes, please.'"  But I'm here to tell you: that does not work!  I had a friend once who went to a job interview.  While he was preparing for the interview I told him, "Friend, be sure that you are as audacious and blunt as possible.  If you are polite, it tells the employer that you are weak.  I told him to answer all of the interviewer's questions with more questions."  To my shock and dismay, my friend ignored all of my advice.  In fact he performed the opposite.  And guess what -- he didn't get the job.  It just goes to show you: you can't be nice in today's economy.

Tip #2:

• Do some research about the company before you go into the interview.
• When the employer asks you, "Why should I hire you?" respond with an answer that shows them you have done your homework. Say something along the lines of, "Well, if you would like your Jack Russell Terrier -- Sammie -- to be alive tonight when you return to your home on 435 Blossom Street, I would suggest you hire me on the spot."
• This shows the employer that:
• You are willing to make the tough call in order to get the job done
• You have done your homework
• You are not someone to mess with

Tip #3:

• Grow a beard -- it worked for me!

Tip #4:

• Type up a kick-a resume!
• Your resume is your place to set yourself apart from the crowd! This is your place to nonchalantly mention your selfless, humble and incessant endeavors in raising awareness for aids, world hunger, global warming, baby pandas, Mothers Against Drunk Driving and orphans from Taiwan. 
• Also be sure to let the employer know that you were the sole writer for the morally pure, wholehearted series The Waltons.

If you follow these four tips, you are sure to land a job doing something awesome -- or at least somewhere that pays. If your first interview doesn't go so well, no worries. Just get another interview and try again. If that one doesn't work out, keep trying until there are no more pets in the city; then open up your own breeding business and make bank!

Good luck!

Sheep Are Excellent at Planning Murders

Two cats walk up to each other. The first cat (Bo) gets all defensive and is like, "Hey, you, second and inferior feline, can't you see I'm walking here?" The second (but in no way inferior) cat (Ted Shundy) responds by lifting both front paws in the air in a "What-r-you-gunna-do-bout-it" manner. Bo interprets the body language as, "You're right; you may take the lead." And so the first cat rudely tail-whips the second cat and prances on down the road. Bo thought he had just won the confrontation, but little did he know that the second cat was not even a real cat. No, the second animal was actually a sheep in disguise -- a sheep in cats clothing! And the first (and only) cat was about to learn that you don't cross a sheep. Bo was about to learn life's 4th most important lesson: don't make a sheep angry unless you want to die.

After being humiliated by a cat, Ted Shundy (having no relation to Ted Bundy -- cough.. cough..famous.. wink.. serial.. ehheemmm... killer.. cough..) took a trip to his hidden and state of the art pasture. Along the way he had to make a couple of pit stops. First Ted went in to the local Wall-mart to buy some bananas and cream cheese.

The end

What To Do When Abominable Snowmen Attack

Snowmen attacks are never a good thing. One time Anthony and I were hanging out at UK, minding our own business when all of a sudden, a giant snowball (a piece of a snowman, no doubt) rolls into our dorm and tries to melt it's evil layers all over the floor. At this point the R.A. steps in and is all, "Hey, you goofy kids, get that 25 foot diameter snowball outta here!"

You see, Anthony and I got called "goofy;" snowmen are no good. Imagine the colorful language that would have been let out if the rest of the snowman had showed up to our abode; it would not have been a pleasant experience. And this is not the only reason we should do something about these diabolical creatures. Another reason snowmen should not be allowed in places of residence: have you ever seen a yellow colored snowman?  That's not lemonade in the snow. :/

But seriously, there's an old saying: "Hell has no fury like a snowman scorned." Snowmen are fiendish beings. Here's a good story to tell your little children right before bed:

Little Johnny, an innocent eight year old child, was walking down a dark and desolate road one night. He was in a good mood because his uncle Gleb had finally stopped beating him. So he was singing songs about how he was one day going to rebuild his relationship with his uncle. Johnny was glad -- for once in his life, things were not so gloomy. But little did Johnny know, there was an evil being lurking in the shadows, waiting for his chance to purge all joy from Johnny's heart. 

As Johnny was rounding the bend, the evil snowman swung a baseball bat right at his face! Luckily, he missed -- and then Johnny leaped into action. He pulled out his ninja stars and chucked them right at the snowman's carrot nose! Direct hit! Then the snowman started shooting buttons from his chest at Johnny. Johnny was skilled in the art of dodging flying buttons, but he was no match for the snowman's fury or accuracy. One of the buttons his Johnny in the butt. Johnny was so embarrassed he surrendered right then!


The snowman had won the battle and so began his victory dance. But when the snowman turned his back, Johnny jumped up and pierced a rod that had been heated to 1,000,000 degrees Celsius right through the snowman's heart! Then the snowman threw a tire at Johnny. Then Johnny threw a full-size WWII army truck at the snowman. Then the snowman threw a Super Nova at Johnny. Then Johnny threw Neptune at the snowman. The battle never ended. To this day there is still no victor. 



The End

How to Name Your Horse

Try to imagine yourself in a hypothetical situation: you have just bought a horse and intend to race it at the Kentucky Derby.  Great!  Only one problem -- what are you going to name it?!  Statistically speaking, naming a horse is the most difficult part of owning a horse -- especially a race horse!  Trust me; I know someone who actually has a horse.

So let’s get started -- but first, a few well known facts about horses:

• An average horse with brown hair weighs about 1,900 lb.
• Horses have two main eyes
• Many critics disagree with this, but some horses have 6 hands
• A horse has to go to the bathroom at least 4 times a day (depending on how many drinks it has had)
• Horses can run as fast as a kid in a skate park
• White horses can’t jump

But you knew all of that already; let’s get to business.  You want to name a horse.  Here’s how you do it.  But first, take a moment to recognize some of the greatest horse names in all of history.  Horses with names like Classical Gas, Eats Money Makes Manure, Morbo and Spider Pig have won awards purely based on their awesome names.  If you don’t do a good job naming your horse, no one will like it and it will win no awards -- ever.

But enough stalling (pun intended); here are the basics on naming your race horse.  But first, again, don’t you think it’s important that you know what horses eat?  Neither do I.  You can feed a horse almost anything (obviously a horse prefers dark meat to white meat)!  But they are very particular about what they will digest.  And it’s important that you feed a horse what it wants.  If you don’t, you run the risk of having to clean up horse diarrhea -- and trust me -- that is not any fun.

Speaking of things that are not fun, riding a horse without teeth is super annoying.  To give you an idea of how unpleasant this is, I would compare it to riding a donkey without teeth.  Yea, I know -- who would want to do that?  I don’t know.

Naming a donkey is not nearly as stressful as naming a horse.  Donkeys do not have emotions or feelings, so it is impossible to disappoint it by giving it a sucky name.  Donkeys never win awards, either.  Donkeys are pathetic (in terms of anything awesome); and so you can call it whatever you want.  You really don’t even need to name a donkey.  You could probably just point at it when you are joking with your friends about how stupid your donkey is.

Cat got your tongue?

I think we have all been in one of those situations where we have said something we wish we could take back.  We might have said something that embarrassed us by showing our ignorance, hurt someone's feelings, or gotten us into a bit of trouble.  Think back to your most recent incident.  For me, the most recent was accidentally telling my girlfriend she should work out more.  That one got me into a little bit of trouble.  No serious consequences though; don't worry! Whatever inane thing has fallen out of your mouth, I bet you wish there were a way to rewind time and prevent yourself from saying that thing again.  Well, what would you say if I told you that there is a way to do that -- sort of!

To know how to prevent blabbing out dumb from our mouths, let's take a look at how these conversations usually unfold.  In my experience (no comment on the quantitative measures of my experience), I will usually be trying to make a joke when I accidentally cross some moral, ethical or relational line.  Shortly following, the person I am with will let me know what I have done (or I'll realize on my own -- this is no better), and I'll try to backtrack my way back to good graces.  In the process of backtracking, I'll get into a bout between quickly trying to fix the problem, but not wanting to screw it up even farther.  This struggle will force me to clumsily stutter between my words, trying to be very careful, as I am dealing with a delicate situation.  This stuttering is very well described and made fun of by third party observers as, "Cat got your tongue?"

Which leads me to: what if a cat really did have my tongue?  Depending on when the cat got a hold of my tongue, I would have never "stuck my foot in my mouth" in the first place.  It might be better for me to carry a cat around in the chest pocket on my shirt so he can grab my tongue before it is too late.  Of course, I would have to give a stern and austere talking to the cat if he snatched my tongue via violent and forceful measures.  I would sit the cat down, and I would calmly say, "listen to me, feline!  You are here to prevent me from looking like an oaf -- not prevent me from saying anything ever again.  Do your job!  AND DO IT RIGHT, IDIOT!"  I hate to be so brash and saucy, but those cats won't listen unless you let them know who's in charge.

It would also be nice to be able to put something in that superfluous pocket.  I think you are supposed to put pens and pencils in there, but I am too vain for that sort of thing.  I wouldn't mind putting a cat in that pocket.  Unlike people who put writing utensils in there, there would be no way any kind of negative slang ("nerd," "dweeb," "dork...") would be thrown to people storing anti-foot-in-mouth-cats in that pocket.

I've got the preventative side of the issue taken care of; now somebody needs to engineer some machine to take us back in time to recover from past slip-ups.  Get on it!

Excuses, Excuses

"Hey, man, wanna help me move this weekend?" calls out your pal.  You want to return with a quick, "NO WAY!" but you know your friend will demand a good reason for why you stood him up.  Unfortunately for you, you have not read this blog post, and you are lost for words.  So instead, you answer his question with, "Sure; Why not?"  How lame; or in Spanish: "Que Librerio."  Now you are stuck moving furniture instead of watching your favorite cable television program -- Criminal Minds.  I bet you wish you had some good excuses to give your friends when you want out of some laborious task.  And without further ado, here is a post to provide you with just that.

There are a few tricks that you will want to hide in your sleeves so that you will be able to whip them out when it is time to submit a clever excuse.  Besides the obvious things to hide in your sleeves that will help you quickly escape from dangerous situations -- smoke bombs, furry animals, ninja stars, flash-bang grenades, etc. -- you might also want to hide some well thought out tips on how to shake off your friend's requests.

The First Tip:
Make your excuse believable!  Do not tell your mom that you are going to be late for curfew because you got caught up running from a pack of ravenous wolves -- unless you really were!  Incidentally, if you do get caught up running from a pack of ravenous wolves, do not make the same mistakes I made!  That wolf does not want to be your friend, and definitely will not politely listen to and forgive you when you stop running to apologize for "just wanting to play fetch" with its cub.  Those wolves are quick to tear open the flesh, and slow to forgive.  Do not think that just because the baby wolf looks like a fun thing to play with, the momma wolf will be fun, too!

The Second Tip:
Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you ever recycle excuses!  It's like this one time: my great, great, twice removed cousin the third to the fourth power squared gave me a new 16-year-old sister for my birthday.  My first reaction -- like most of you would have felt -- was complete elation!  We (my new sister and me) spent lots of time together, enjoying every minute we spent together. Sooner or later (sooner) I found out that I got the sister only because my brother turned her down.  Needless to say, I was furious with my cousin!  I quickly "took care of" my new sister, and "disposed of" the gift on the hood of my cousin's car with a note that, when paraphrased, told my cousin to never be so foolish to recycle any gift ever again, and next time, I would not show her as much mercy.

The Final Tip:
Try to make your excuses believable, or unbelievable -- but you need to make up your mind before it is time for you to make up your excuse.  There are only 165 things I hate more (2 1/2 things I hate less) than an excuse that sounds kind of believable, but at the same time, kind of not believable.  Make up your mind before you start dishing out your excuses!  Example:

"Mr. Bob, I need tomorrow off.  I have.. uh.. to go somewhere."
"Where do you need to go?"
"I need to go to.. the doctor because I just found out I think I have cervical cancer in my face."  Bob pauses, trying to remember what cervical cancer is, and if it is possible for someone to get cancer in the face.  He notes that his employee has been sneezing for the past couple days and wonders if sneezing is a sign of cervical face cancer.  Bob cannot decide whether he believes his employee's excuse or not, and just gets frustrated.

Bob ended up getting so embittered with his employee's excuse that he gave him the day off, with full pay, and he still got employee of the month.  The point is: commit to your excuses -- either choose a believable excuse, or a not so believable excuse.

Good luck with your excuses, and remember the old Chinese adage: a good excuse chooses you, not the other way upside down.